My son Thom turns 30 next month. Quite a milestone for him, and for me too in a way. I’ve been thinking about the time just before his arrival when his father and I spent time meticulously preparing everything he might need, decorating his room, choosing a cot, a pram, I clearly recall carefully hand washing his tiny vests and babygrows, folding them tenderly and placing them in a chest of drawers. Although we had very little income back then I remember gazing at his small room and thinking it could not be more perfect, I could not have been happier and felt I had thought of everything. His arrival soon blew all that out of the water!
Excitement, fear, exhaustion and caring for a tiny new person who was so precious and amazing and yet whose needs were so many and so constant – but he lack of sleep was the most difficult thing of all. I was 34 then and had plenty of energy – or so I thought. . The truth is that parenthood is a learning experience which starts with the birth of your baby and ends only when you do! It is a lifetime of learning.
Those first few months were so wonderful, yet being responsible 24/7 for another living, breathing, crying individual was like nothing I had ever experienced before, or since ……….. until our greyhound Molly Moo arrived last autumn and during our first few months with her I was taken back to those early days with my son. The joy, the laughter, the love and the excruciating tiredness and round the clock responsibility which this beautiful girl brought into our lives.
I wrote in my previous blog about how much Molly helped me with my mental health issues and provided me with much needed daily exercise, both of which she continues to do, but what I didn’t know at the beginning was the impact of her acute separation anxiety on her and us, and the demands this created for us when we welcomed Molly into our family. It was a shock, even after all the research and reading I did before Molly arrived, the preparation of everything she might need to be well and happy, ready for her arrival – just like when my son arrived all those years ago. But nothing can prepare you for the birth of a child or the adoption of an ex-racer!
It is unique and wonderful but it can be frustrating and wearying too.
Unconditional love is an amazing thing – but it comes at a high cost and it requires hard work. Molly followed me everywhere in our small flat and at first I loved this, but sometimes I just wanted to run away from her for a little while. Just as with a young baby whose cries cannot be ignored, you sometimes just long for a little time out – to read a newspaper or to have a bath which lasts longer than five minutes. But the more I read, the more I realised that Molly needed to be with us to gain confidence that she was safe with us. Just like a baby really. Once she was sure within that trust things would change.
Her behaviour was exemplary in so many ways – but it became very clear that her separation anxiety was intense, especially at night time. Again I thought of my small son and his first few months.
When I began to accept Molly’s behaviour as understandable and normal I became a lot more relaxed. She is a sweet creature and a lovely companion during the day. Life continued for the month or so without too much stress, but it became more and more apparent that Molly was really afraid of being left alone during the night. My husband Kev took to sleeping on one sofa as she settled on the other one. As soon as she knew he was there she was absolutely fine until the next morning. So began the nightly ritual of transforming a sofa into a warm bed suitable for a long, chilly autumn night.
We then had a brainwave – greyhounds were used to crates, happy to be in them – fantastic. I researched the best and biggest crate for our girl. A hundred pounds sounded like a lot of money to us, but the value of a good night’s sleep in your own bed is priceless. The crate arrived quickly and was immediately furnished with a single duvet, matching pillow, toys and cushions. It was a thing of beauty, even though it occupied a pretty high percentage of floor space in our flat. Molly would settle in there during the day occasionally and would be enticed in there with treats, but she never slept a night in there – ever! When we retreated to the bedroom, bleary eyed and ready for some shut-eye the whimpering would start – impossible to ignore, just as my son’s cries were 30 years ago. So in we would come and she would be standing like a tripod staring out of the crate into the darkness, a ghostly figure, sad and a little bit spooky!
We would talk to her, comfort her and then leave her, go back in after ten minutes, leave her again and so on. In the end Kev would decamp to the sofa trailing blankets and pillows behind him like baby Maggie in the Simpsons! This went on for weeks – we kept considering just giving up and letting her sleep at the bottom of the bed, but because of her occasional sleep startle this was not an option for me – I have insomnia and couldn’t handle this. This way at least we both got some sleep each night.
We rang Kev Stow and had a long phone call with him. We were in this for the long haul, we could never part with this lovely creature and yet we would look back longingly at the nights before she arrived without the stress and pressures we were experiencing now. Would things ever change? To cut a long story short Kev said we were doing so much right, we were patient and kind with Molly, tried to meet all her needs and loved her dearly – but we couldn’t carry on like this we had to solve the night time problems. It was vital that she learnt that we were there when she went to sleep and there when she woke up, without having to be in the same room as her 24/7. We needed to formulate a plan which would work for all of us, but Molly had to fit in with our lives. We would persevere with Kev’s help and encouragement, but we had to solve this issue somehow – for our sake and for hers.
A week later we put our carefully formulated plan into action calmly and efficiently. Kev would take Molly for her usual nightly toilet walk and when he arrived back I would be in bed with the door slightly open, held in place by a heavy wicker basket. Kev would give Molly her treat, settle her on the sofa, leaving the living room door wide open, and then join me in the bedroom which is just opposite the living room. The light would go off. If she was distressed she could peep through the gap in the bedroom door, hear us speak to her gently and be reassured that we were there and that she should return to her bed and settle down. This might need to be repeated a few times but she would learn that she could see us and hear us if she needed to.
I don’t know if either of us believed this would work, but we had to make it work and we were determined to do this. Unbelievably it did work! Even more unbelievably she has slept on her own in the living room every night since 1 December 2021 to the present (July 2022). It was a major breakthrough. She knows now that she can sleep separately from us without fear and anxiety. This has made us so happy and no longer exhausted plus we have our living room back and the crate has gone to the home of another greyhound. Yaay!
If you experience difficulty when you adopt one of these amazing hounds – DO ASK FOR HELP. Kev and Mandy are always willing to talk things through and their knowledge and love for the dogs is boundless. There is always someone to give advice and understanding. Molly is 4 years old next month, 3 weeks or so before my son turns 30. No longer babies needing constant reassurance, but still loved so much. So glad I have both of them in my life.
Julia Harrison